Challenge day 05; Suicidal dreams

i used to get very depressed over things when i was in my early teens, 14, 25 im guessing? around that age

it doesnt help when im always listening to songs that makes me want to slit my wrist. you know, those dark dark bands that seems to be “signing about your life story”

good charlotte, simple plan, alesana, breaking benjamin, sum 41 and all that good stuff. haha. i still like them, dont judge

especially sum 41’s Pieces. that shit can make me kill myself in 3 minutes and 3 seconds

as you might already have guessed, i was the kind of girl who wears all black and black eyeliner. black this, black that, thick eyeliner this, studded belt that, emo hair this, pierced my lips that. yeah, believe it

i will be brave and show you all what i was back then. when i think life will forever be a hellhole and no one understands me

this, my friends, is the face, of post depression. oh im going to regret showing this

no not really, i was just mentally challenged. psh seriously. if i could look at my 15 year old self now id be like

gurl, wipe of that war paint off your eyes and lets go boy shopping. pshhh~

on a more serious note, i did try to end it

i use to have this little penknife i carry eveytime to slit my arm for the attention you know. i still have the scars. ugly ass scars. not that visible, but still, scars. ask me, i’ll show you

most of my self inflicted problems comes from the lack of self respect and self esteem i had. when i was around that age, i had 0 self esteem. ZERO i tell you. and around that age is where most of the people become casualties of their own thinking you know

i thought no one loved me, i thought i looked ugly as fug, i thought my parents were againts me, i never felt accepted, i was never cool. yeah. i was a mess

i kept all this bottled up inside. it became too much and then i got very destructive

then a teacher found out what i have been doing, Mr Sky Phua, my math teacher and well i dont know what he did but i stopped. in secondary 2 while i was slitting my arms happily at the back of the class, this china guy named Jian Xing practically yelled-whisper at me to cut it out. and my best guy friend, seow keong talked to me after school about this

oh wow i didnt realize i was such a depressionable teen :\

but i was. i dont remember how i snapped out of the self harm faze. but i did

and from all these bitter sweet days i had i learned to pick myself back up whenever im down

who i am now, is molded by what i was in the past

and holy shit i was such a dumbass back then. holy mother of goodness. oh god what the hell 15 year old emo aisyah? seriously get a life

 

what i learnt from all this is that fuck everything that gets you down. and that your problems are not as bad as you think it is. i use to go home and cry everynight listening to breaking benjamin. looking back, it wasnt worth it. not worth my misery at all

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